When you can't do it all...ask for help

"I don't know how you do it."

I hear this phrase a lot--from my mom, mother-in-law, friends, colleagues--and inwardly cringe every time. I don't know how to answer this phrase. Is it a compliment? A warning of impending insanity?

Usually say, "Me neither."

I do a lot of things, but so do lots of women. And like lots of women, I usually keep all the balls I juggle in the air.

I have four children: school aged twins, a toddler, and baby, all of whom are constantly hungry
I have a house that never stays picked up, let alone clean
I work from home as an adjunct English professor and freelance editor
I have a husband whom I love dearly (oops! Can't forget about him!)
But this summer, stuff got real. Stuff hit the fan.

This summer, I felt like Life was holding a whip to my back, screaming at me: "DO IT, WOMAN! DO ALL THE THINGS! DO ALL THE THINGS AND BE AMAZING TOO!"

And this summer, I've to confront my Life, the task-master of my own creation, and whisper, "I can't."

So I've had to say four words that I have stubbornly, foolishly resisted-with-all-my-being to say in the past.

No
and
I need help 

This is how I WAHM (work at home mom)

In order to say "yes" to my basic Life responsibilities, I've had to be honest with myself and say, "My life is not working right now. I am stressed out of my mind. Something needs to change." So...

I gave up a volunteer position I loved.

I cut short a summer book club I started.

Because I have 55 students in my current 8 week term (a course load I used to handle with ease), I scheduled babysitters to watch the kids a few times a week so I can go to Panera and frantically grade papers for a few hours without distractions.

I enrolled my 2 year old in two-day preschool this fall.

I want to do it all. But I just can't.

And that's ok. Because none of us can do it all, all the time. Sometimes we have to ask for help.

Happy 6 months, Eli!

Eli's 6 month birthday was actually 4 days ago...but as the 4th child in the family, it's just par for the course that this update is late, right?  (poor 4th child!!)

This little guy is a butterball of joy. He is my biggest baby yet--18 whopping pounds! That's 2 lbs more than Silas at 6 months...and...uh...Micah and Benji barely weighed more than that at TWO YEARS OLD! He is growing out of 6 month onesies and fits comfortably in 9 month clothes. It is crazy having such a big baby!
Little Man loves his milk! After our first rough month, I'm so glad that breastfeeding has been successful. We feed on demand...and he demands a lot! I love his thunder thighs! This kid has rolls!

We haven't started solids yet but we will in the coming weeks--all his older brothers started eating real food around 7 months or so.

Eli is on a 3 nap a day schedule (though not always at the same time or length every day). I moved him out of the rock sleeper a few weeks ago into a pack and play in my room. He still wakes up a lot at night (Yawn for mommy).

 Eli loves to be in the action! He is a squealer and grunter. He also loves to be tickled and talked to. Micah and Benji do a great job looking after Eli while I am in the shower or while I make dinner. Silas is such a good big brother too and loves to talk to "E-why" and nuzzle and "wrestle" with his baby brother.

 This is his new "trick"--Look, mama! I can sit up! He's still working on those ab muscles but he can sit up for a few minutes before falling or diving forward (we've had a few bonks before mama could catch him! Poor baby!).
He also loves to roll from his back to his belly but somehow has forgotten how to roll back so I have to "rescue" him a lot from this position. Aaron and I have witnessed him pushing up with his arms and also on his toes. Uh oh! Does this mean early crawling??? Slow down, baby!

Eli seems to be following in the footsteps of his older brothers: He loves this jumper! Some days, he jumps till he drops! He also loves to kick, either in his rocker chair (so he can make it rock), or in his bed (thunk! thunk! thunk! thunk!). In fact, I have bruises on my legs from Mr. Kicky-pants!

He also has started to play with toys, his current favorites being a set of plastic keys and a tiger that buzzes when he pulls a cord, or anything that he can put in his mouth and slobber over. He is my drooliest baby! I have to change his shirts on a regular basis because he drools so much. Nope, no teeth in sight!

He loves his mama the best, though he always wants his daddy to hold him and kiss his neck--lots of giggles! I tried and tried to get him to smile for this picture. He looks so serious but he really is a happy baby!

Everyone told me that after you have three kids, adding a fourth is a piece of cake. This hasn't exactly been true for me. I  feel like I am still trying to figure out my life as a mom of four, especially how to be a work-at-home mom of four! Most days I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions every 5 minutes, especially since Micah and Benji are out of school for the summer too. Whew!

I would write more about our sweet baby but...he just woke up from his nap! Happy 6 months little boy!

When Silence is full of words

I haven't blogged in a month. And it isn't because I haven't had anything to say. Actually, it's because I had too much to say...but I haven't had the the words to say it.

I still don't.

All I can say is this: I've been going through Something Hard, something that I want to talk about and write about but don't always have words for.

Writing has always been a way for me to process my thoughts, feelings life. And I've felt like I want to write about what's been gong on, but I can't. Not yet.

My husband has this theory that goes like this: People want to talk about what they want to talk about. Meaning, even if you didn't intend to have a certain conversation or say whatever you said, subconsciously, you wanted to say exactly what you said. 

He calls it "The Corner Theory," meaning you back yourself into the "corner" you want to talk about, either consciously or unconsciously (usually the latter).

This is why people tend to tell secrets to strangers, like the person sitting next to you on a cross-country flight.

Writing is a bit more conscious and deliberate. There is such vulnerability in "putting it all out there." Writing is big, black, bold...and, in a way, permanent. It's committing to the idea.

I have talked about the Something Hard with a lot of people, and that has helped me process some of the crazy and scary and unknown. But the words fall and float away as soon as they're said. Nothing sticks. Nothing's permanent.

But writing about it still scares me, because somehow, making the commitment, saying the words, makes it real, like honest-to-goodness THIS is my life. THIS is real. THIS is hard, damn it.

For me, writing is accepting the real.
It's brave. 
And I'm not brave, not yet.
 But maybe someday I will be. 

For now though, until I have the answers and words, the Something Hard still looms large. I am so full of words, but I don't know how to say them. 

Happy 2nd Birthday, Silas!

I can't believe my baby boy is TWO!! Wow, the years fly by.

My handsome little man

Silas is our little sunshine. He is such a happy boy and loves to make people laugh by performing, imitating people, and being silly.

My silly squwinchy picture face!

Just tonight at dinner he did all three:
Dancing to Pandora music (complete with head-wagging, squwinched up eyes, and mouth wide open!)
Imitating Daddy after a big burp (lovely. Also, one of his favorite things to imitate)
Pulling his bib half way up over his face and pretending it was a "mask"

Probably my most recent picture of him. He is going to be a dragon for Halloween.

That's our Silas!

I actually was a terrible mom on his birthday. We didn't even do cake and candles! (I KNOW! TERRIBLE MOM!!!) His birthday was on a Friday and I was at the tail-end of two frantic weeks of work and volunteering. I was wiped out.

In a perfect world, I would have made him Shepherd's Pie (one of his favorite meals) and chocolate cupcakes with vanilla icing. And we would have eaten dinner as a family and sang to him and taken pictures while he blew out his 2 candles.

But, instead, I was laid out on the couch in all my 7 month pregnancy glory, nursing aching hips and back, waiting for my husband to get home from an out-of-town golf tournament at 7:30pm. I ordered pizza and let the boys watch "The Swiss Family Robinson." (odd...I feel a strange kinship with the mother in that movie). And the batteries in my camera died so no pictures....:(

Wait! I had ONE redeeming moment: I made Silas a puppy for his birthday and he LOVES it.

He named it "Puppy!" and it has become his new essential sleeping partner, along with his "Cat-Cat" and "Ki-Ki" (Blankie). So, win for mommy! (I think I am still -100 though).

So, who is Silas Edward Meng at 2 years old? Here are some of his favorite things:

Food: Scrambled eggs, sausage (or SAUSAGE!!! as he calls it) banana (which he call "la-lan-na"), fruit/veggie pouches, cheese sticks, Lucky Charms cereal (aka. he eats the marshmallows out of the 1/4 cup I give him), chocolate milk (he will specifically ask for chocolate (a tsp of Ovalteen), peanut butter and jelly, and POTATOES! He is a good eater (most days)

I love chocolate...chocolate milk, chocolate chips, chocolate Popsicles...

Shows: Signing Time and SuperWHY (which he calls "Boy-Boy." Go figure). Also, when we watch Netflix on our Wii, he has to hold a Wii remote himself. Typical male--has to have his own remote.

Favorite toys: "Cat-Cat" (his stuffed kitty), and anything that looks like or can be made into a gun. The child can make his own guns out of lego blocks. Seriously. Make it stop!! :o

Favorite books: The Foot Book, Brown Bear, Brown Bear, and In my Little Blue Bed. Silas loves to read!!

Special things about Silas: He is SUPER observant. He will run and tell us if anything is "off" in his world: the oven timer is beeping? Quick! The microwave display is flashing? OH NO! Fix it!!  Daddy shaved his beard? He will mention it 7 times a day for 2 weeks.

I LOVE to help mommy cook! I sit on the counter every day while she is making dinner. I am very good at letting her know that the timer is going off NOW.

He also will bring me or Aaron our shoes when it is time to go (or he wants to go). He is great about finding a matching pair and will bring them to us wherever we are in the house.

He will also tell us right away if he made a "mess! mess!," whether he spilled cereal or paper clips, or colored on his arms or the wall with marker. Thankfully, he is usually a good sport about cleaning up too (usually).

See the "mess! mess!" I made with mommy's mascara?

Recent New Words: Saying "Wha-?" when we call him.  
Saying "'mere! 'mere!" when he wants someone to come look at something (come here!)
Saying "Shiiiny" in a really funny (and slightly creepy) voice when he finds something sparky or shiny that he loves.
He is saying new things every week! This age is so much fun.

I love playing outside!!

Of course, with a 2 year old, there are the obvious not-so-fun things too. He throws a typical amount of fits for a toddler over the usual things:
My granola bar broke. Woe is me!
I asked for milk and you gave me milk. WAHHH!
I do not want to come. I will run away.
I want to eat all the things 10 minutes before dinner is ready--banana? cracker? chocolate? fruit snack? Please? no? Bahhhhhhh!
Mommy must hold me standing up. It is not the same when she sits. STAND UP, woman!
Brothers want to watch their movie and not Signing Time even though I have watched Signing Time all day long.

Chocolate cupcake eating. Did I mention that I like chocolate? 

You know, the typical things. Thankfully, he has a sweet disposition and takes discipline to heart very quickly (a quick time-out in his bed and he is all "sowwy" and hugs) so that is really nice.

We all pretty much adore this little guy. He is loved 1000% every day by his mommy, daddy, and  big brothers.

I love Micah! He always makes me laugh!

We love you Silas!

 

Next year, I PROMISE to make you cupcakes, ok? xoxo little man!

What Jane Austen did for me this summer

Jane Austen has been a good friend to me. Never mind the fact that she lived and died over 200 years ago. She came through for me this summer in a brand new way.

Back in May I wrote a post about my desire to start something new: A book club.

"So, out of pure self-pity and literature withdrawal, I decided to start a Jane Austen Book Club this summer."

And I did! 

The scary thing was, I had never started a book club. I had never even been IN a book club (does Bible study count??). I really had no idea what I was doing. 

But after receiving a healthy amount of interest, we started reading Pride and Prejudice in June. 

And something happened that first meeting, something new and strange. 

I met with 8 ladies in a comfortable living room, ate lemon tart and drank tea and discussed one of my favorite books. 

Some of the wonderful women in our Jane Austen Book Club. We met for lunch for our last meeting at the very English Ploughcraft Tea Room

And it was weird. 

I realized afterwards that it had been years since I had gotten together with a group of women and talked about something other than my home life, work, and especially, my children. I love talking about these topics….but at this first book club….

….I felt like I was exercising a part of my brain and soul that had been dormant for a long time. It was so refreshing….and foreign! 

I hoped I'd never be one of "those women" who say, "I lost part of myself when I became  a mother." 

I wanted to shake those moms and say, "buck up, woman! Keep a hold of yourself! Remember who you are!"

But, I realized at that first book club, over discussions of Bingley and Jane, Elizabeth and Darcy that while I hadn't lost part of myself, per se, I hadn't pursued this passion in a long time, a passion for reading, literary discussion, and everything Jane Austen  (Jane Austen's works were the focus my master's thesis, after all!). Because sometimes those passions get buried when you are a busy wife and mother. 

So, this book club was like finding a part of myself again. 

Everything I learned in grad school about Jane came pouring out at our meetings. I dug out old lecture notes, read my marginalia to my friends, and talked WAY TOO MUCH at each meeting.

But I couldn't help it. That passion was rekindled. 

So, thank you Jane Austen for reminding me of who I am and what I love. 

And thank you, new friends and old, for joining my book club and reading Pride and Prejudice and Northanger Abbey with me. Meeting with me every week (or whenever you could make it!) was more that just a fun summer pastime. 

It fed my heart and soul. 

Pregnancy after Loss: Survivor's Guilt

The past six months have been a time of immense growth for me, and very painful growth at times.

I shared very publicly and honestly about my miscarriage and the grieving process that I went through. While some women prefer to grieve privately, I found that writing and sharing my story on my blog and in the support group that I now co-lead has been very healing for me.

I found community in my grief.

I was part of "The Club." Ironically, it is a club that no woman wants to join but the support I have found in women who have also experienced loss has been a source of great strength, encouragement, and hope.

Then I got pregnant again.

In realty, my pregnancy happened very quickly after my miscarriage. At the time, it didn't seem quick. My womb felt achingly empty as the weeks ticked by that I was NOT "12 weeks along;" rather, I was 3…4…5…6…7…weeks post-miscarriage.

My miscarriage was complete at the beginning of February and I found out I was pregnant again on April 14th.

It was a quiet joy, and a confusing time for me.

After telling my family, I nervously shared about my pregnancy with my grief group co-leader and told her that I primarily felt guilty for being pregnant again so soon.

She said, "I think you have Survivor's Guilt."

That odd, complicated guilt of those that have experienced pain but have also experienced a new gift of life, and feel undeserving.

My first thought was: I AM PREGNANT! We were going to have another baby.

Our precious new Little Meng

My second thought was: What about my grief support group? Will I still be accepted…wanted…needed…now that I am…pregnant?

I had my inner fears, but in my heart I knew that I was still a part of this important community.

But this was not just a question that I asked in my mind. For many people, the first question they asked me as soon as I told them I was pregnant was, "So, what about the grief group? Are you still going to do it?"

I must be honest and say that these questions really hurt my feelings. One part of of me understood because I had the same questions, in a way. But the other part of me pushed against this idea that now I was unqualified to lead a grieving mothers group because I now had the joy of being pregnant again.

I have learned that the joy of knowing a new baby grows inside my womb is co-mingled with grieving for the child I lost.

The day I announced my pregnancy was actually a very sad day for me. There were many tears. Somehow, I felt as if Izzy, the baby we lost, could never be, even in my mind, as now my womb was occupied again in the nine months that should have been hers.

Complicated, intense, illogical, yes. But those were my real feelings, even as I thanked family and friends for their congratulations and well-wishes.

It is not easy to be pregnant after loss. A new pregnancy does not replace the baby we lost.

I am doing better, well even. I am thankful every strong pregnancy symptom (even as I run to the bathroom…oh joy!), am beyond impatient to find out if we will be having a little boy or girl, and am eagerly anticipating those flutters and kicks.

But, in quiet ways, I still grieve. I still need support.

And I hope, that even though I am pregnant again, I can still offer support, love, and wisdom to other women who are walking this road.

When I shared about my pregnancy at our meeting last month, the women in my group had nothing but words of encouragement and joy for me. I hope that if and when their time comes to welcome a new life into their wombs that I can also walk this new path with them as they experience this journey of mingled joy and grief.

If you want relationships, you have to make them happen

When did relationships get so hard? I'm not talking about romance. I am extremely happy with my love life and adorable, though scraggly, husband.

I mean other relationships: FRIENDSHIPS.

In the past two years I feel like my friendships have gotten tossed on the back burner. And I mean like the way back burner, like the old stove that is rusting to pieces in the back yard.

Ok, I am exaggerating a bit.

But here is the truth: I get lonely and I want people to want to spend time with me.

When I was in high school and college, I really wanted a mentor. I wanted someone to notice that I was special and smart, a girl who just need a bit of attention and wisdom. I hoped and prayed that THE woman at church or THE professor would just take notice of me and ask me out to coffee.

It never happened. I was crushed.

Now that I am older (and less annoyingly needy), this longing for relationships has given me a startling kick-in-the-pants truth: If I want relationships, I usually have to make them happen myself.

If I want to get to know that student or offer some advice, I have to ask her out for coffee.

If I miss my mom friend, I shouldn't just write on her Facebook wall "I miss you! Let's get together soon!" Rather, I should call or text: "Hey, what day can we get together this week?"

If I am always canceling on a single friend who loves evening get-togethers, I need to offer a weekend alternative: "How about Saturday brunch?"

I find myself cringing when I say enthusiastically, "We should get together!" and then never doing anything about it.

Relationships take work:
Initiative
Creativity
Planning
Babysitters
Follow-through
Sacrifice

And…sometimes openness to being hurt. Last fall semester, I really desired to build relationships with some of my former students (something I wanted in college, remember?). I contacted them (10-12) and offered a weekly "Sunday Supper" at my house. I had visions of great food, rousing discussions, lots of laughter, and deep mentoring relationships being formed.

I didn't count on hurt feelings. But it happened sometimes. Weeks when no one showed up. Or other weeks when students were so late that dinner was cold (no apology or explanation). Opening up my home meant opening up my heart and that made me vulnerable to hurt.

But it was worth it.  Not for the "thank you's" or "You didn't have to do this!" but for the fact that I could offer a bit of solace to students during such a busy and tumultuous time in their lives. I also got to laugh a lot, play games, and indulge in fancy deserts that I wouldn't usually make for my immediate family.

We didn't do "Sunday Suppers" in the spring semester (mostly because of my miscarriage and recovery…I just couldn't pull it together) but I've recognized other desires in my life.

Like, I miss my "English" friends and discussing literature on a regular basis. I haven't taught English on campus in a long time and I was starting to get really down.

So, out of pure self-pity and literature withdrawal, I decided to start a Jane Austen Book Club this summer.

(My other motivation is that reading Austen is just amazingly fun so, really, I didn't need those other excuses).

I've had a healthy amount of interest in the club so far so I think it will be a good time when we start in June.

I guess the point of all these stories is this: If you are lonely, have a need, want a friend….reach out and strive to make your relationships happen!

It won't always work, but, as I have learned, if I want relationships in my life, I have to seek them out, invite people over, ask that person out for coffee, and make an effort to invest in people.

Because investing in people is worth it. But to invest, sometimes you have to take the first step and make it happen.

Have I buried my "talent" in the ground?

When I was in Jr. high and High school, I remember hearing numerous sermons preached on The Parable of the Talents. (Click on the link to read from Matthew 25).

Source

The parable challenges listeners to consider how they are using the "talents" the  master has given them: Are you investing two fold, five fold, ten fold? or are you the wicked servant buries his master's money in the dirt?

I remember fervently praying, searching my soul and heart's desires: What were MY talents? Was I using what God had given me?

Many of my youth pastors and summer camp speakers transliterated "talent" (a sum of money) to the modern day English version of "talent": a gifting, or natural ability. Clever, right?

Well, sort of. In my adolescent mind, I squished this parable neatly into the definition of "how am I using my gifting or natural abilities to serve the Lord?"

As a teen, I eagerly identified my talents as musical so I played the piano for the offering and sang specials during the service.

In college, I used my leadership abilities to become a prayer leader on my dorm.

As an adult, I have honed my creative writing skills and answered the "call" to write graphic novels to help end Human Trafficking in the USA.

I was (and am!) using my "talents" for the Lord, just like this parable says!

But this thought struck me this Sunday at church during the sermon: Am I really using ALL that the Lord has given me for his glory? Or am I burying the uncomfortable parts of my life in the ground, parts that are painful and messy?

Can my pain and suffering be used for his glory?**

Sometimes we think that God could never use pain and suffering like:

An eating disorder
An unplanned pregnancy
Filing for bankruptcy
Divorce
A boring job
A car accident
Chronic health problems
Estranged family members
Miscarriage 
And so much more….

So often, my response to pain and suffering is to complain about it, wish my life was different, or "bury it" in the ground, wanting to forget it ever happened.

But God has shown me recently that, if I ask him, he will show me how he can using anything to serve him, if we are actively looking for the redemption of our suffering and pain.

What if we looked at everything we have been "given" in life as a way to bring glory to Lord?

We can "bury" these "talents" in the ground; or we can pray and seek and search and invest in life, and hope, and redemption, seeking to return two, five and tenfold to our Master when He comes, our ears longing for these words: "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master" 



**The unanswered question here is "Does God bring pain and suffering into our lives?" I don't know. Perhaps. Perhaps not. The real question is, can I use what I have been "given" in my life for His glory?

Bacon, Pumpkins and three loud boys: Our Romanic Evening

When I was a teenager and even a young married wife, I craved romance. I wanted spontaneous flowers, surprise dates to romanic locations, diamond rings and necklaces (all thoughtfully picked out to suit my taste and style), and grand gestures of devotion.

I was constantly disappointed, mostly because the rosy image of romance in my head didn't match with the every day-ness of my life as a wife and mother of three. 

I gradually loosened my clenched fingers from my "romantic ideal," and not just because my husband thinks, "Flowers are stupid. They just die. Why would I spend money on something that is going to die?!"

My romantic ideal was simply not reality. I finally learned to accept it. 

And then slowly, quietly, the reality of my everyday life became romantic. Not every day, not even every week (we don't have a "date night"), but when I began to redefine romance as intentional thoughtfulness that tells the beloved, "I'm thinking of you." 

Our Tuesday evening was going to be special because Aaron was going to carve Halloween pumpkins with our twins. They were ecstatic! 

As they gathered knives, bowls, and super-cool Angry Bird templates from the printer, I decided to start  dinner, a thrown together "breakfast for dinner" concoction. 

Aaron tuned in to his current favorite Pandora station on his laptop. 

Bacon sizzled and popped in the skillet. 

My older boys "Ewww'ed!" and "Nasty'ed!" as they pulled out the pumpkin guts. 

My baby babbled and banged a tube of lotion on his high chair tray. 

And then my husband said, "Hey, I want you to listen to this song."

It was difficult. The microwave was whirring and dinging. The "GROSS!" enthusiasm was getting more enthusiastic. But I listened as I flipped the bacon, wiping popped grease from the back of my hands. 

In the middle of all that distraction, I managed to catch the last verse of this Lee Brice song: 

She knows what a mess I'd be if I didn't have her here
But to be sure, I whispered in her ear
"You know I get sick deep-sea fishin'
And you make the best fried chicken
I got a hopeless golf game
I love the sound of your name
I might miss that old green 'Nova
But I love watchin' you do yoga
I'd take a gold band on my hand
Over being a single man
Cause honestly I don't know what I'd do
If I'd never met a woman like you."

Full Song Lyrics

I caught my husband's eye as the song played and he smiled at me, a sharpie in his hand as he drew faces on our children's pumpkins. 

I stared at this man, the father of my children, my partner and friend, while the aroma of bacon joined the earthy pumpkin smell filling our small kitchen.

Tears pricked my eyes. 

Pulp and seed were all over my floor. My baby was calling, "Ma-ma-ma-ma!" and wanting to be held. My twins started to fuss about "being done with picking out the seeds."

But I wanted to capture this moment, take a mental snapshot and store it in my memory under the caption, "Perfect Evening." 

Because it was. It was perfect, spontaneous, thoughtful. 

It was pure romance.

Happy Sixth Birthday, Micah and Benji!

How are my twins SIX already? It seriously feels like they JUST turned five. This year has gone by so fast!

This has been a big year for Micah and Benji. They became big brothers AND they started Kindergarten. 

 I am so proud of them. 

Look how they've grown!

 Newborns in the NICU

 First birthday (we survived!!!)

 Two year old twins!

 Terrific twos (though sometimes terrible twos...)

 Three year old twins!

 Arr! We're three!

 Guess who's FOUR?? Micah and Benji!

 Four years old and off to school!

Five years old! 

Today we are SIX! 

Oh my goodness, boys! You are growing up so fast! 

Raising twins has been (very!) hard at times but I can honestly say that this past year has been the most delightful year I have had as a parent. Looking forward to many more wonderful years with my little men. 

Ten things I didn't expect 10 years later

You know those cliche "Where do you see yourself in 10 years" writing assignments that English teachers make you write? (Yeah....I made my students do this in class the other day. Way to perpetuate the cliche, right?)

Well, I have been thinking a lot about "10 years later" lately because it has been ten years since I left home to move across the country to go to college. Ten years ago I was was a freshman at Liberty University. And oh, how my life has changed in ten years!! There are so many ways I have grown up, so many ways that my life has deepened, broadened. And there are so many things I didn't expect about my life to be like ten years later. 

This is me, a little college student about 10 years ago.

So, here are 10 things I didn't expect to experience...but I am so glad I did. And still am. 

I didn't expect....

10. To still be at Liberty University 10 years later--undergrad, grad school, and now faculty. We even got married in the Prayer Chapel on campus. Yep. I am an inbred now. No matter where I go from here, Liberty will forever be "home" to me. 

9. To get my Masters Degree. This may be a surprise to some people because now, I love everything academic but there was a time in my life that I thought I would just skip college all together. Crazy, huh?

Graduation Day: MA in English

8. To have twins. Biggest surprise OF MY LIFE. 

7. To have all boys. Yeah, I didn't expect this either. The boy-creature continues to surprise me. They are such a wild mess of energy, noise, and affection! 

Love kissing those sticky cheeks and fuzzy heads!

6. For motherhood to be so challenging. I respect and admire my mother so much more since becoming a mother. 

5. To use my creative writing in such a radical way to serve God. I always wanted to be a writer. Right now I am working on a team project as a creative writer to produce three graphic novels to help bring awareness, education and prevention to Human Trafficking in the USA. I have been stretched and deepened in ways that I could never have imagined. And this is just the beginning. 

4. To meet a man that would so transform my life for the better. Aaron, you have helped shape me into the person I am today. I would not be who I am today if I had not met you. 

In the 'rot at LU, our first semester dating (10 years ago). Yeah, we were babies. 

It's been 7.5 years since this day; I am still saying "I do" every day. 

3. To be so comfortable in my own skin. When I left home 10 years ago, I didn't know who I was yet... but I was ready to find out. I am really happy with the person I have become and am becoming. 

2. For my faith to be so transformed. Ten years ago, I pretty much thought "I knew it all" as a Christian. Now, each day I feel like am back at square one in following Christ, the square that says "Love God, Love people, that's it." So humbling. 

1. To be so blessed. I have been deeply, truly blessed in the most non-cliche way. Ten years later, the Lord has blessed me.

Our family: Micah and Benji, 5 years old. Silas 10 months. Me? 29 years old. 

What about you? When you look back 10 years, are your surprised at where life and the Lord has taken you? 

Where do you see yourself ten years from TODAY?

First Day of Kindergarten

So, my little guys (excuse me!) BIG GUYS started Kindergarten today!

Here they are: Benji (L) and Micah (R)

We have been so excited for school at our house. I don't know who has been more excited, me or the boys! 

I have been itching to get back to a routine and (dare I day it?) eager to give the boys another outlet for their boundless energy! They couldn't wait to go to school this morning. In fact, they asked me, "Can we walk to school by ourselves?" 

Oh my. (My heart screamed, "Noooooo! I'm not ready for THAT!")

I knew I wouldn't cry on Kindergarten morning. We did a full day pre-K program last year and experienced the big transition that comes with full time school then. 

However, I was a little more emotional than I thought I would be when dropped them off in their classrooms. Right now, my heart is beating in Mrs. Clingenpeel's class and Mrs. Smith's class at Perrymont Elementary school. 

But despite my emotions, I am so excited for this year!

I am looking forward to... 

Seeing the world unfold before them as they learn to read (I cannot expressed how ecstatic I am about this!)

Seeing them develop math skills

Watching them make new friends and develop relationships

Seeing how their teachers inspire them to grow in ways that I would never think of

And, if I can be so honest, I am also looking forward to missing them. We spent LOTS of time together this summer.  (lots and lots and lots) A little space is going to be healthy for us. I think it will help me appreciate them more, love them more. 

There is one more thing I am excited about: 

Picking them up every afternoon, hearing them squeal "MOMMY!" feeling those skinny little arms around my waist, kissing the tops of their tousled heads, and telling my boys, 

"I missed you! Now, tell me what you learned today?"

"I was actually a good mom yesterday": Mom confessions.

When I woke up this morning after the 15 minutes of sleep I got last night (documented only because I had a terrifying dream about a prehistoric crocodile trying to break into my basement), I stumbled into my kitchen in search of coffee.

As I pushed the "HEAT" button on my kurieg, I looked around at the damage in my kitchen. The dishes were overflowing from the sink. The dishwasher was half unloaded. We had no clean spoons. Or forks. Or wooden spoons to make scrambled eggs.

The dining area wasn't much better. There was dried rice all over the table and floor. The high chair tray was sticky and crusty from last night's dinner.

"Mommy, I don't have any clean shorts!" called one of my twins from their bedroom.

The baby crawled into the kitchen. As I picked him up, I automatically brushed crumbs off his legs from the floors I just can't sweep enough. I noticed the red clay stains on his shins and mentally add "Mop floors" to my to-do list.

Also, "Bathe baby."

Also, "Must shower," since it's been two days.

I gulped my coffee and wondered, "What did I do yesterday?!"

It takes a few more gulps of coffee to remember what happened less than 24 hours ago.

My morning started with getting ready for a meeting at school. "Getting ready" meant that I had to wear nice, clean "grown up" clothes, do my hair and make up, feed and dress the kids, greet the sitter, and leave by 8:30am.

I got back around 10:30 and visited with my sitter/friend while the kids played. I noticed the babe had a fever and a tooth pushing through his tiny gums.

So we spent some quality time nursing. And nursing. And nursing.

My older boys were bouncing off the walls so after lunch, we went to the park. The boys ran. I nursed and snuggled the babe.

Back at home, all the kiddos went to bed and I crashed on the couch. I probably should have done the dishes but I watched an episode of "Alias" on netflix and then feel asleep.

The little guy woke up early from his nap and we nursed some more. I could tell that he felt miserable. I didn't feel much better. I was so tired that my brain felt like it was on a tilt-a-whirl.

I then made dinner while my 9 month sweetie cried at my ankles.

More nursing and snuggles after dinner for the baby while my husband and one of my twins went to softball. My other 5 year old decided to "stay with mommy! So we can watch movies and snuggle!"

I left the rice covered table and piled the dishes higher in the sink. I did put the food away (10 points for me!).

After I finally got the baby to sleep, we sat on the couch and watched "Bee Movie." Then we read a few books at his request and my wild-never-stop-crazy son told me, "I really like to read."

Then I sang him a song and he went to bed. I breathed a sigh of contentment: both kids in bed, asleep.

Ten minutes later, Aaron got home from softball.
Benji got out of bed again.
Micah energetically told me all about softball.
The baby woke up and wanted to nurse--again.

Around 9:40, everyone was in bed--again.

My house is a mess today and I am surviving on too-little sleep--again--but I realized something: I had a good day yesterday. I was actually a good mom. We had a good day. I spent quality time with my kids and met their needs.

And now, I need to spend some quality time cleaning.

....while my kids watch their 4th hour of TV this morning.

Hey, you can't be a "good mom" every day, right? :)

Happy 9 months, Silas!

Happy 9 months, Silas! You are growing up so fast!!

photo by S. Carter Studios

You are such a happy boy! You continue to be the light and joy of our family!

You have developed my leaps and bounds in the past 3 months. You got to go to the beach for the first time over Memorial day. On this trip, we saw that you getting ready to start crawling. I said, "He'll be crawling by the end of the summer!" HA! You were crawling by the end of the next week!! You have been on the move since the first week in June when you were 7 months old! 

Of course, you do get into some tight places with your exploring these days. I joked on Facebook that I need to tie a bell around your neck to  know where you are in the house. 

Right after you learned to crawl, you did THIS. Yep. You love to pull up all by yourself! Now you can let go for a few seconds and stand up. You can even cruise a little bit (1-2 steps) on the couch. Slow down, little man!

But I know. I know there is no slowing down for you, not when the two people you admire most in the world are running circles around you! You adore Micah and Benji. They make you laugh every day with tickles and fake burps (oy vey!). You think they are hilarious! Every time they come in the room you shriek with joy! 

They really love you (though Mommy still has to remind them to keep an eye out for you at times)

Besides visiting the bathroom, your favorite place to crawl is their bedroom. That place is like TOY HEAVEN! Your favorite toys to chew on are their little plastic pirates as well as blocks from their castle set. 

You love to put toys in your mouth. Daddy and I amazed with how big your mouth is! You discovered that you can travel with your toys if you stick them in your mouth when you want to crawl. 

Photo by S. Carter Studios

You don't have ANY teeth yet but you are a great eater. You love to try new foods. Your current favs are string cheese, broccoli, and quartered grapes. You eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the table with the family every day. You also love to drink water out of a bottle. You figured how to tip it up to drink all by yourself. 

You made a big sleeping transition in the past 3 months. You moved from the rock sleeper to your crib. It was a rocky start but once we moved the crib to Mommy and Daddy's room, you've done really well. You take two good naps during the day but at night you still wake up several times. As soon as the sun comes up, you are wide awake too! Mommy is tired but knows that night snuggles and nursing will be over all too soon. 

Photo by S. Carter Studios

You are such a big boy! You weigh 20 lbs! That's more than your brothers weighed when they turned TWO! 

You are also starting to communicate. When you are excited you shriek really loudly! You say "Ma-ma" and "Da-da" (though not always to the right people). You do consistently sign and SAY "all done!" when you are done eating. (more like "AH-DA!")  You are so smart! 

You also learned how to wave and you give an adorable dimpled smile whenever you do so. 

Photo by S. Carter Studios

You've grown so much since you were three months and six months! When I post about your growth next, you will be ONE! This year has flown by, sweet Silas. 

We adore you, little one. Keep growing, baby! We love getting to know you more every day.