When you can't do it all...ask for help

"I don't know how you do it."

I hear this phrase a lot--from my mom, mother-in-law, friends, colleagues--and inwardly cringe every time. I don't know how to answer this phrase. Is it a compliment? A warning of impending insanity?

Usually say, "Me neither."

I do a lot of things, but so do lots of women. And like lots of women, I usually keep all the balls I juggle in the air.

I have four children: school aged twins, a toddler, and baby, all of whom are constantly hungry
I have a house that never stays picked up, let alone clean
I work from home as an adjunct English professor and freelance editor
I have a husband whom I love dearly (oops! Can't forget about him!)
But this summer, stuff got real. Stuff hit the fan.

This summer, I felt like Life was holding a whip to my back, screaming at me: "DO IT, WOMAN! DO ALL THE THINGS! DO ALL THE THINGS AND BE AMAZING TOO!"

And this summer, I've to confront my Life, the task-master of my own creation, and whisper, "I can't."

So I've had to say four words that I have stubbornly, foolishly resisted-with-all-my-being to say in the past.

No
and
I need help 

This is how I WAHM (work at home mom)

In order to say "yes" to my basic Life responsibilities, I've had to be honest with myself and say, "My life is not working right now. I am stressed out of my mind. Something needs to change." So...

I gave up a volunteer position I loved.

I cut short a summer book club I started.

Because I have 55 students in my current 8 week term (a course load I used to handle with ease), I scheduled babysitters to watch the kids a few times a week so I can go to Panera and frantically grade papers for a few hours without distractions.

I enrolled my 2 year old in two-day preschool this fall.

I want to do it all. But I just can't.

And that's ok. Because none of us can do it all, all the time. Sometimes we have to ask for help.

You don't have to enjoy every minute to be a good mom

When my twins were babies, I was consistently bludgeoned with this advice by well-meaning people: "Enjoy every minute."

I hated this phrase...mostly because I was going through one of the most difficult experiences of my life. Just keeping up with the daily care of two infants was hard enough--and I was supposed to "enjoy every minute" too?

I felt like a failure.

 One of my favorite bloggers, Modern Mrs. Darcy, wrote an article the other day about marriage, called "What makes a relationship work?"

This line stuck out to me:

...I’ve been warned by older and wiser friends not to panic if we hit a rough patch—strong marriages have bad weeks, months, even years—

We seem to accept the truth that "strong marriages have bad weeks, months, even years" so why does this truth seem harder to swallow when applied to parenthood?

 The thing is, our kids are people too, complete with little personalities, big attitudes, funny quirks, and loud opinions. And just like a strong marriage, our relationship with our kids requires work and daily maintenance.

In my seven+ years of parenting, I have come to realize that relationships with my children can and do go through difficult times that are frustrating, irritating, exhausting, even soul-crushing--trials of growth and times where I literally pull my hair out and think what-the-heck-am-I-doing?

There are so many times I have thought "I am a bad mom" or "I am not doing my best" when really, I was just going through one of these trials of growth. And growth is uncomfortable and painful and....not enjoyable.

The truth is, you don't have to enjoy every minute to be a good mom, despite the little old lady in the grocery store who sighs "it-goes-by-so-fast,"  and the "soak-up-every moment / enjoy every stage / be-the-perfect-parent-today-or-screw-your-kids-up-for-tomorrow" social pressures that we are inundated with on a daily basis.  

Parenting is hard because we are in relationship with tiny humans, and all good, lasting relationships have hard times. The key words there are "good" and "times," because there are good times too--seconds, moments, days, and years that are good, and should be soaked up and enjoyed.

Those are the times where we feel like good parents.

But the reality is, whether in marriage, or friendship, or parenting, or any relationship, feelings can be fleeting. It's the sticking through the hard times that spells commitment, the "I-will-do-my-best-no-matter-what-because-I-love-you" that is the true marker of a "good" mom.

Is motherhood enjoyable? I think the answer to that question depends on the mother and the moment you ask.

But if the litmus test of a "good mother" is how much we enjoy it, we will always be sentimentalizing the past or wishing ourselves in a less difficult parenting moment (naptime, anyone?).

We need to release the expectation of "enjoying motherhood" and focus on the reality of growing our relationships with our children, and all the good, bad, infuriatingly messy, ugly, and beautiful aspects that relationships with people bring to our lives.

"I was actually a good mom yesterday": Mom confessions.

When I woke up this morning after the 15 minutes of sleep I got last night (documented only because I had a terrifying dream about a prehistoric crocodile trying to break into my basement), I stumbled into my kitchen in search of coffee.

As I pushed the "HEAT" button on my kurieg, I looked around at the damage in my kitchen. The dishes were overflowing from the sink. The dishwasher was half unloaded. We had no clean spoons. Or forks. Or wooden spoons to make scrambled eggs.

The dining area wasn't much better. There was dried rice all over the table and floor. The high chair tray was sticky and crusty from last night's dinner.

"Mommy, I don't have any clean shorts!" called one of my twins from their bedroom.

The baby crawled into the kitchen. As I picked him up, I automatically brushed crumbs off his legs from the floors I just can't sweep enough. I noticed the red clay stains on his shins and mentally add "Mop floors" to my to-do list.

Also, "Bathe baby."

Also, "Must shower," since it's been two days.

I gulped my coffee and wondered, "What did I do yesterday?!"

It takes a few more gulps of coffee to remember what happened less than 24 hours ago.

My morning started with getting ready for a meeting at school. "Getting ready" meant that I had to wear nice, clean "grown up" clothes, do my hair and make up, feed and dress the kids, greet the sitter, and leave by 8:30am.

I got back around 10:30 and visited with my sitter/friend while the kids played. I noticed the babe had a fever and a tooth pushing through his tiny gums.

So we spent some quality time nursing. And nursing. And nursing.

My older boys were bouncing off the walls so after lunch, we went to the park. The boys ran. I nursed and snuggled the babe.

Back at home, all the kiddos went to bed and I crashed on the couch. I probably should have done the dishes but I watched an episode of "Alias" on netflix and then feel asleep.

The little guy woke up early from his nap and we nursed some more. I could tell that he felt miserable. I didn't feel much better. I was so tired that my brain felt like it was on a tilt-a-whirl.

I then made dinner while my 9 month sweetie cried at my ankles.

More nursing and snuggles after dinner for the baby while my husband and one of my twins went to softball. My other 5 year old decided to "stay with mommy! So we can watch movies and snuggle!"

I left the rice covered table and piled the dishes higher in the sink. I did put the food away (10 points for me!).

After I finally got the baby to sleep, we sat on the couch and watched "Bee Movie." Then we read a few books at his request and my wild-never-stop-crazy son told me, "I really like to read."

Then I sang him a song and he went to bed. I breathed a sigh of contentment: both kids in bed, asleep.

Ten minutes later, Aaron got home from softball.
Benji got out of bed again.
Micah energetically told me all about softball.
The baby woke up and wanted to nurse--again.

Around 9:40, everyone was in bed--again.

My house is a mess today and I am surviving on too-little sleep--again--but I realized something: I had a good day yesterday. I was actually a good mom. We had a good day. I spent quality time with my kids and met their needs.

And now, I need to spend some quality time cleaning.

....while my kids watch their 4th hour of TV this morning.

Hey, you can't be a "good mom" every day, right? :)