When the Learning Gates are Closed: Searching for Answers

This is our story of discovering how to parent and educate our son in the best way possible. It is scary to write about this topic because it is intensely personal and it concerns my child, whom I always want to treat with respect. However, my goal in writing down our story is to give other families hope and direction. If you need hope and direction in your parenting journey, welcome. I share our story for you. 

You can read Part 1 of Benji's Story here.  

After I talked to the teacher at the Back to School night, I wavered between feeling unsettled and proud of myself for "doing the right thing." I DID do the right thing--I said something to the teacher. The ball was in her court. She would observe and make recommendations as the educational professional. I looked forward to hearing her thoughts at the Nine Week parent-teacher conference.

Nine weeks passed.
I left the conference feeling confused and irritated.
I had talked, shared my concerns, again....but I didn't feel heard.
I had asked questions...but didn't get clear answers.
I had requested her opinions about my son...but she never "got around" to sharing them.
She wanted to "wait and see."

I had thrown the ball. She was supposed to throw it back, right? But I realized after the meeting that she had not caught my concern. The ball was still in my hands.

I didn't want to wait. I needed to search for answers myself.

First I wanted to rule out any physical problems. We took Benji for an eye exam. He had a slight astigmatism but he didn't need glasses. I checked that off my to-list.

But what was the next step? I literally felt paralyzed. I needed answers but I didn't even know what questions to ask. Finally, on October 4, 2014, I wrote a facebook post in a private moms group I belonged to.

"Moms, my husband and I have been concerned about our son (now in 1st grade) for over a year that he may have a learning disability, such as dyslexia. I have spoken to teachers, etc. and we are monitoring but I am leaning toward trying to get him officially tested. Someone recommended Hutcherson Early Learning Center as a testing location but this resource seems like it is just for pre-school children. Can anyone offer some direction for me? I can't ignore the signs or my intuition on this." 

Information came pouring in. Some recommend this testing center or that service. Others shared their stories of how they went through special education testing. One mom gave me a link to the Virginia Special Education Guide. I clicked through but was so overwhelmed that the only thing I grasped from the handbook was that I needed write a formal letter to the school if I wanted them to conduct testing. 

I felt like the school was ignoring my son (this actually wasn't true, but it was how I felt last school year) since the teacher wasn't seeing what we were seeing. I needed another way to get answers before I wrote any formal letters. 

One mom said she had her son tested by a woman in town who was a "lay-expert" in dyslexia. She had traversed these waters with her two sons, both severely dyslexic, and now her sons were grown, in college, and successful! I got her information and wrote her a message on Facebook: 

Hello Ms. _____ I am sorry to contact you about a formal issue in such an informal way as facebook but your name was given to me by several mom friends about testing for dyslexia. I was wondering if you still do official testing for learning issues such as this.
My husband and I have been noticing issues with our son, Benji (1st grade) since last year such as: 
1. Inverting numbers/letters when writing
2. Sounding out words backwards or from the middle letter
3. Writing words backwards Writing words of a sentence completely out of order
4. Not being able to read common sight words, even after just seeing the word Etc.
Benji is at ________elementary school. I have spoken to teachers but have not gotten the information, ideas, or support about how to help him with these issues.
I would love to speak with you more, if you have the time. Thank you!

I wondered if I was crazy sending that message. I wondered if I was just making things up. I wondered if I was doing the right thing. But in the middle of all my self-doubt, I took the first step.

She contacted me within a few days and we set up a meeting for testing on October 20.

The testing was very interesting and actually fun for Benji. She had him read and write for her, as well as repeat strings of words, directions, and re-tell a story. He did balancing exercises, eye tracking, and threw a ball with his right and left hand, as well as other tests.  We spend almost two hours with her.

"So, do you think he is dyslexic?" I asked, as Benji played Angry Birds with one of her grown sons on his iPhone.

Her eyes and voice softened. "It isn't that simple. Dyslexia is actually difficult to diagnosis and I am only an expert on my own children. One of the formal marks of dyslexia is "being behind two grade levels in reading." Since he is only in first grade, it is difficult to know...or assign terms." 

Then she talked about Learning Gates. She used this term to describe how the brain responds to four different avenues of learning:  visual, auditory, writing, and spatial (how one's body moves in a given space).

Her initial assessment shocked me: "From the tests, it seems to me that most of his learning gates are partially, if not fully, closed."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"It means that the right and left sides of the brain are not communicating with each other through wide open pathways. His pathways, or gates, are shut. When something is blocking that gate, learning cannot happen."

I nodded, taking it all in. It was like trying to swallow the ocean.

She wrote up an official report so I could share the results of her assessment with his teachers, etc.

We got the next 9 week report card: The results were not good. So many U's. (Unsuccessful). My heart was breaking for my little boy.

I scheduled another meeting with the teacher. Again, despite all my best communication efforts, I felt like we were not on the same page. She seemed nervous and intimidated. She didn't hold my my concerns with the weight that I held them. I felt the strange need to soothe her during our meeting, when in reality, I was one who needed to be reassured. I told her that I would email her a copy of the testing results.

I forgot to send the email. By now it was late autumn and I was very pregnant with our fourth son. The holidays pounced and consumed my time and thoughts. My belly grew larger and my due date crept closer. 

I tried to carve out the mental space to think about Benji. I unearthed the Virginia Special Education Guide and read about how to request formal evaluation: I needed to write a letter and give it to the administration. 
I read about my legal rights: After my formal request, the school was required, by law, to refer my request for evaluation to a special education team. 
The team was required to contact me within 3 days to let me know if they would evaluate my son. Once they decided to evaluate, we would be on a 60 day time line for the testing.

I decided to write a letter.

To be continued....
____________________________________________________
More Posts about our Journey

When Silence is Full of Words
It Means You need to be Strong and Brave: Telling my Son about his Learning Disabilities
Reading Sucks

I don't need to be Intimidated by what you're good at

Intimidate:
1. To overawe through the force of superior talent

2. To force someone into action by inducing fear

As I scrolled through my Facebook feed this morning, I felt that familiar sinking feeling. Pictures of First Day of School decorations and celebrations from the kitchens of friends far and near seemed to mock me.

I inwardly sighed. I'm no good at that stuff. I suck at decorating and celebrations. And I know I'd be a terrible homeschool mom...

In this Pintrest-Perfect, Post-it-to-Facebook world we live in, it is easy to feel like we don't measure up.
...Wow! She's training for a marathon? Does running after a toddler count as exercise?
...They are always doing such creative projects.  I never think of things like that.
...She always looks so nice. Maybe I should change my yoga pants. 

Of course, we all know that most people only present their best selves on social media, and it really is fun to see the amazing things our friends are doing.

But instead of feeling bad about all the things I am NOT doing or am NOT good at, I need to realize this truth: I don't need to be intimidated by what my friends are good at.

Just because someone else is good at her life doesn't mean that I'm bad at everything.

I mean, I am bad at a lot of things:

Keeping up with housework (and laundry...)
Doing my hair and make up (Can you say "2nd day hair messy bun"?)
Exercise (Sweat and I are not on good terms)
Feeding my pets (poor bird and guinea pig!)
Decorating cakes (seriously. They look like they were run over by a lawn mower by the time I am done)
Listening to my kids read (if ever there was an activity that needed the patience of a saint...)

But I'm good at lots of things too!

Sewing stuffed animals and gifts
Cooking meals my family and friends love
Answering emails quickly
Tickling fights
Sticking to an organized schedule
Doing research
Being a public school mom (I hope!)

And lots of other things too (which I can't think of...apparently "Thinking of things I am good at" is not one of things I am good at)!

You don't need to be afraid that you am not a good person/mother/human just because you are impressed with another person's unique gifts.

So keep sharing your First Day of School Pictures, mama, and your beautifully decorated cakes, and your amazing homeschool projects.

Instead of being intimidated, I am going to put my own insecurities aside and give you a cyber high five (or click "like"!) and celebrate the amazing gifts that make you you! 
  
Do other people's gifts intimidate you?
What are you good at? 

If you think something is wrong, trust your gut

This is our story of discovering how to parent and educate our son in the best way possible. It is scary to write about this topic because it is intensely personal and it concerns my child, whom I always want to treat with respect. However, my goal in writing down our story is to give other families hope and direction. If you need hope and direction in your parenting journey, welcome. I share our story for you. 

I remember conversations I had with my husband last summer, 2014.

"He's really struggling. I tried having him read to me today. It was miserable. He has to sound each word out, even if we just read it two seconds ago. Or he keeps starting with the middle sound or the end sound. He gets so angry."

"Is he still doing the reversals?"

"Yeah."

"I noticed that too, but when we were doing some number stuff last night."

"Do you think I should say something to his new teacher?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

I didn't really know what to do. I knew that lots of Kindergarten, and even 1st grade, students have trouble with reading and reversals at times. But I had that little niggling feeling.

And this time, I decided not to ignore it.

I say "this time" because I have had that feeling about my son in the past, a feeling that made me knit my brows and say "hmm...I wonder..." Other times I would throw up my hands in frustration and wonder which one of us was riding the crazy train (probably both).

 Even when Benji was two years old, my husband said, "There's just something...I don't know. That kid's unique."

We talked about how Benji lived in his own little world. We described him as "quirky," "zany," and "his own person." We joked with him: "Which planet are you on today, Benji?" And he would answer us--in great detail! Oh, his little sense of humor!

But I struggled to understand him.

I can't tell you how many times I've covertly googled "Autism symptoms," "Learning disabilities," and "Dyslexia." I've scrolled through dozens of lists, articles, stories  but have always come up short: "No. He doesn't fit that list...not quite. We fine. He's fine. Besides, if something was really wrong, someone will say something."

I mean, he was in day care and preschool off and on from age 2-4. Someone would say something if something was really wrong.

Right?

We chalked his struggles and behavior issues up to his age:
Well, he's only 3.
His teacher will say something if there is something going on.
LOTS of preschoolers act like that!
Well, he IS a boy! 
He's so young.
Lots of kindergarten students do that.

And suddenly, he was almost 7 and I was running out of excuses.
Yet...not one of his teachers or caregivers ever said anything to me.

And that meant nothing was wrong. Right?

I placed so much of my trust in other people's professional opinions that I stifled the growth of my "mother's intuition."

Sure, I had learned to trust intuition in the past--and it had been right. But my intuition had been about physical, medical problems.

This...this had no name. It was something I couldn't see, couldn't put my finger on. It changed, morphed, disappeared, and then violently resurfaced. Some days we were fine.

Other days, we were...not fine.

So I decided to stop ignoring my gut.

I sat down with Benji's first grade teacher at the Back to School night in early September and told her of some of our concerns. I asked her to keep an eye out for some issues we were seeing.

When our conversation was over, I was glad I talked to her...but I didn't feel any better.
Did she believe me?
Did she think I was being "that parent," the hovering, over-indulgent, coddling type?
Did she even take me seriously?
Would she see what we, as parents, saw?
Of course she would! She was a professional educator. As a professional, she would be able to tell us if something was wrong.

Right?

I didn't get any answers that night; in fact, taking my concerns out of my head and talking about them just added more questions and worries to the situation.

But, that night, something important happened: I stopped ignoring my gut, even if my intuituion was about something that I couldn't see, or quantify, or even describe very well.

Something was going on with my son, and I was going to discover what it was.

To be continued....
_____________________________________________________________

Are you ignoring or listening to your gut? 

Following your intuition often leaves you with more questions than answers. But if you think something is wrong with your child, trust yourself. You know your child better than anyone. No "professional" can ever know or love your child as well as you do.

When you can't do it all...ask for help

"I don't know how you do it."

I hear this phrase a lot--from my mom, mother-in-law, friends, colleagues--and inwardly cringe every time. I don't know how to answer this phrase. Is it a compliment? A warning of impending insanity?

Usually say, "Me neither."

I do a lot of things, but so do lots of women. And like lots of women, I usually keep all the balls I juggle in the air.

I have four children: school aged twins, a toddler, and baby, all of whom are constantly hungry
I have a house that never stays picked up, let alone clean
I work from home as an adjunct English professor and freelance editor
I have a husband whom I love dearly (oops! Can't forget about him!)
But this summer, stuff got real. Stuff hit the fan.

This summer, I felt like Life was holding a whip to my back, screaming at me: "DO IT, WOMAN! DO ALL THE THINGS! DO ALL THE THINGS AND BE AMAZING TOO!"

And this summer, I've to confront my Life, the task-master of my own creation, and whisper, "I can't."

So I've had to say four words that I have stubbornly, foolishly resisted-with-all-my-being to say in the past.

No
and
I need help 

This is how I WAHM (work at home mom)

In order to say "yes" to my basic Life responsibilities, I've had to be honest with myself and say, "My life is not working right now. I am stressed out of my mind. Something needs to change." So...

I gave up a volunteer position I loved.

I cut short a summer book club I started.

Because I have 55 students in my current 8 week term (a course load I used to handle with ease), I scheduled babysitters to watch the kids a few times a week so I can go to Panera and frantically grade papers for a few hours without distractions.

I enrolled my 2 year old in two-day preschool this fall.

I want to do it all. But I just can't.

And that's ok. Because none of us can do it all, all the time. Sometimes we have to ask for help.

Read with your child in 48 [Hard] steps!

For some kids, learning to read is not as easy as 1-2-3! It's more like climbing a very hard, tall, rocky, frustrating mountain.

Maybe you've climbed this mountain too.

The 48 Steps to reading with your (struggling) reader:

1. Call child. Tell him that it is time to read.
2. Call child again when he refuses to come.
3. Give yourself mental pep-talk (you can do this!!)
4. Let child choose book.
5. Child chooses book.
6. Child throws book after getting stuck on the third word.
7. Child chooses 2nd book. 
8. Child starts screaming at you after you tell him to "sound out" 7th word.

10. Tell child to calm down.
11. Child runs out of the room
12. Tell child to come back.
13. Child refuses.
14. You realize that child needs to "reset brain." Insist your child run around the house.
15. Child screams at you and refuses.
16. Suggest Jumping Jacks.
17. Repeat steps 14 and 15.

18. Take a break to nurse the baby.

19. Go find your child. Fight anxiety that your child has actually run away instead of running around the house.
20. Find child in the backyard. Breathe a sigh of relief.
21. Chat calmly with child about how he needs to work through his "brain funk" by moving his body.
22. Child decides to "move his body."
23. Give enthusiastic praise as child spins on swing, jumps on trampline in a a circle, and hangs from the top of the swingset like a monkey.
24. Child feels better.
25. Go back inside.
26. Child chooses 3rd book, one that he has read before.
27. Open book. Realize that there is an "Instructions for Early Readers" page.
28. Read page quickly to yourself and realize you have been doing everything "wrong" with your early reader.
29. Feel lots of guilt.

30. Child starts reading.
31. Resist urge to correct.
32. Resist urge to say "sound it out" every 2. 5 words.
33. Say GREAT JOB!!! every time you finish a page.
34. Give high fives!
35. Laugh with child at the funny parts.
36. Say "that's a bossy 'e'"
37. Say "sound it out."

38. Wait calmly and silently while child screams at you and then buries head in the couch.
39. Wait some more.
40. When child resurfaces, repeat steps 36-39 twice.
41. Say, "You're doing great!"
42. Say, "Only 2 more pages!"
43. Turn the page. Realize you lied.

44. Repeat steps 41-42.
45. Repeat steps 38-39.

46. Finish book.
47. Give high five!
48. Take five deep breaths and make yourself a cup of coffee.

Helping your struggling reader is no joke. Hang in there, mama. I'm right there with you.

You don't have to enjoy every minute to be a good mom

When my twins were babies, I was consistently bludgeoned with this advice by well-meaning people: "Enjoy every minute."

I hated this phrase...mostly because I was going through one of the most difficult experiences of my life. Just keeping up with the daily care of two infants was hard enough--and I was supposed to "enjoy every minute" too?

I felt like a failure.

 One of my favorite bloggers, Modern Mrs. Darcy, wrote an article the other day about marriage, called "What makes a relationship work?"

This line stuck out to me:

...I’ve been warned by older and wiser friends not to panic if we hit a rough patch—strong marriages have bad weeks, months, even years—

We seem to accept the truth that "strong marriages have bad weeks, months, even years" so why does this truth seem harder to swallow when applied to parenthood?

 The thing is, our kids are people too, complete with little personalities, big attitudes, funny quirks, and loud opinions. And just like a strong marriage, our relationship with our kids requires work and daily maintenance.

In my seven+ years of parenting, I have come to realize that relationships with my children can and do go through difficult times that are frustrating, irritating, exhausting, even soul-crushing--trials of growth and times where I literally pull my hair out and think what-the-heck-am-I-doing?

There are so many times I have thought "I am a bad mom" or "I am not doing my best" when really, I was just going through one of these trials of growth. And growth is uncomfortable and painful and....not enjoyable.

The truth is, you don't have to enjoy every minute to be a good mom, despite the little old lady in the grocery store who sighs "it-goes-by-so-fast,"  and the "soak-up-every moment / enjoy every stage / be-the-perfect-parent-today-or-screw-your-kids-up-for-tomorrow" social pressures that we are inundated with on a daily basis.  

Parenting is hard because we are in relationship with tiny humans, and all good, lasting relationships have hard times. The key words there are "good" and "times," because there are good times too--seconds, moments, days, and years that are good, and should be soaked up and enjoyed.

Those are the times where we feel like good parents.

But the reality is, whether in marriage, or friendship, or parenting, or any relationship, feelings can be fleeting. It's the sticking through the hard times that spells commitment, the "I-will-do-my-best-no-matter-what-because-I-love-you" that is the true marker of a "good" mom.

Is motherhood enjoyable? I think the answer to that question depends on the mother and the moment you ask.

But if the litmus test of a "good mother" is how much we enjoy it, we will always be sentimentalizing the past or wishing ourselves in a less difficult parenting moment (naptime, anyone?).

We need to release the expectation of "enjoying motherhood" and focus on the reality of growing our relationships with our children, and all the good, bad, infuriatingly messy, ugly, and beautiful aspects that relationships with people bring to our lives.

When Silence is full of words

I haven't blogged in a month. And it isn't because I haven't had anything to say. Actually, it's because I had too much to say...but I haven't had the the words to say it.

I still don't.

All I can say is this: I've been going through Something Hard, something that I want to talk about and write about but don't always have words for.

Writing has always been a way for me to process my thoughts, feelings life. And I've felt like I want to write about what's been gong on, but I can't. Not yet.

My husband has this theory that goes like this: People want to talk about what they want to talk about. Meaning, even if you didn't intend to have a certain conversation or say whatever you said, subconsciously, you wanted to say exactly what you said. 

He calls it "The Corner Theory," meaning you back yourself into the "corner" you want to talk about, either consciously or unconsciously (usually the latter).

This is why people tend to tell secrets to strangers, like the person sitting next to you on a cross-country flight.

Writing is a bit more conscious and deliberate. There is such vulnerability in "putting it all out there." Writing is big, black, bold...and, in a way, permanent. It's committing to the idea.

I have talked about the Something Hard with a lot of people, and that has helped me process some of the crazy and scary and unknown. But the words fall and float away as soon as they're said. Nothing sticks. Nothing's permanent.

But writing about it still scares me, because somehow, making the commitment, saying the words, makes it real, like honest-to-goodness THIS is my life. THIS is real. THIS is hard, damn it.

For me, writing is accepting the real.
It's brave. 
And I'm not brave, not yet.
 But maybe someday I will be. 

For now though, until I have the answers and words, the Something Hard still looms large. I am so full of words, but I don't know how to say them. 

I'm 100% Mom and 100% Wife--And it has to be that way

This past week, the internet exploded with two more articles in the "Mommy Wars," this time targeting women's roles in the modern American family.

This was the first article: "I'm 99% Mother and 1% Wife--And it has to be that way" in which the author, a tired mother, states why she will always put her kids above her husband (to the detriment of her marriage).

This response hit the web a few days later: "I'm 49% Mother and 51% Wife--And it has to be that way." This article was from a Christian woman who argued that in order for a family to be happy and healthy, a wife must make her husband a priority over her children, if only by 2%.

Here's my two cents:

If we are going to pursue happy, healthy, and godly relationships in our families, we need to be 100% mom and 100% wife.

Because...they are two different roles.

Being a good wife doesn't mean that I ignore my children for the sake of my husband.

Nor does being a good mom mean that I forget that I am married to a man I respect and love.

Photo by S. Carter Studios

They are two different roles, each requiring different time commitments and energy focuses.

Aaron and I talked about this issue in the car yesterday as we drove for 2.5 blissful hours--blissful because all 4 boys were strapped in their car seats and no one was crying or screaming for food (thank you, DVD player).

My husband is a math guy (it's true: he as two math degrees) and he "did the math" on the  mother/wife debate.

Aaron: Let's say you get 8 hours of sleep at night--
Me: bahahahahaha!
Aaron: I was being hypothetical. But let's just say...Then you have about 10 hours of "mothering" before I get home from work at 5. We have about 2-3 hours of co-parenting before the kids go to bed and maybe 2 hours before we both conk out for the night. 

Yeah...you're pretty much 100% mom. 

Me: Do you feel neglected as a husband? 
Aaron: Not at all. 

Of course, adding up the numbers to determine value and worth of my family roles is pretty silly.  Plus, by that criteria, the kids win and I am a sucky wife. But just because I spend more time and energy with the kids doesn't mean I don't "put my husband first."

Photo by S. Carter Studios

My relationship with Aaron is a huge priority to me, which is how I am interpreting "putting my husband first" (Otherwise, I really don't know what this phase means).

The 99/1 and the 51/49 relationship arguments pit motherhood and wifehood against each other, as if being a "good mother" means I can only toss 1% to my husband, or being a "good wife" means that I must  somehow carve out 51% of....something to my husband.

I believe this creates needless anxiety for many women: Oh no...am I prioritizing the kids before my husband? Am I more "mom" than "wife"?

It doesn't have to be either/or, 99/1, or even 49/51.

The roles of "wife" and "mother" don't need to be at war with each other.
We can be 100% mothers and 100% wives.  

Or maybe, instead of focusing on percentages and numbers, we should just focus on being the best moms and wives we can possibly be in our unique family situations.

 A few more thoughts:
~Other than the false 51/49 bifurcation, I agree with pretty much everything Ashleigh said in her article. Cultivating a strong marriage relationship is foundational for a strong family.

~I think the 99/1 mentality often results from a woman feeling like her husband is an overgrown "child" who is a burden to take care of. A healthy marriage is a partnership of equals, with mutual respect between spouses.

~Consider how silly this discussion sounds when the gender roles are reversed:
I'm 99% father and 1% husband--And it has to be that way (???)
or
I'm 51% husband and 49% father--And it has to be that way (???)

100% dad and 100% husband--And it has to be that way

Say "Congratulations!"--it's the Christian thing to do.

When I was 13 years old, my mom took my older sister and me to a meeting for a para-church organization that did puppet ministry. We were introduced to the leader and a few of the other teens.

One introduction shocked me, mostly because of my mother's reaction.

"And this is Stephanie," the leader said, gesturing to a pretty blond girl. "She's 16 and she's pregnant."

"Oh, congratulations!" My mom exclaimed.

There were a few other details shared about the pregnancy, though I can't remember if the girl was going to parent her baby or place the baby in an adoptive family. Either way, she was 16. She was pregnant.

And my mom told her "Congratulations."

To my 13 year old self, this was really weird...no, not weird. Wrong. How could my mom congratulate this girl?
She was a teenager.
She was pregnant.
Everything in my narrow, black and white mindset judged this girl for being pregnant when she should NOT HAVE BEEN PREGNANT. 

It wasn't until this week that this event crossed my mind again and I realized the amazing example my mother gave me when I was 13 years old.

You see, my mother is pro-life. She told that girl "Congratulations" because she was pregnant...and she was choosing life.
LIFE is something to affirm and uphold. LIFE is given by God, no matter the circumstances.

Even though I didn't understand the example she was showing me at the time, I am so grateful for and inspired by my mom's reaction to this unexpected pregnancy announcement.

Mostly because I have been disheartened and down-right confused by the negative comments and tone I have received on my 3rd and 4th pregnancies (I am pregnant with my 4th baby right now):

"Are you pregnant AGAIN!? How many is that now?
"Another baby? Oh no!!"
"You're having another boy? I am so sorry!"
"Do you know how that happens? Oh, honey. I need to take you out to coffee and we need to have a little chat..."

Whenever I get these comments, I smile and say proudly,
"Yes, I am! 4!"
"No, we're happy...really!"
"I'm excited to have another boy...yes, really!"
(And yes, we know. We like it a lot).

The odd thing is I feel like I am trying to convince these people to be happy that I am having another baby. (?!?!?!?)

I was struck by the similarities in judgment voiced by the author of this article, published earlier this week.  In "Your Mother is Destroying the Earth," the author describes her constant need to justify her existence as the 5th daughter in her family, citing that it is the WACO (Warriors against Child Overpopulation) feminist leftists that give her the most grief, stating:

Content to bear their own children, they avidly seek to restrict childbearing for other women whom they apparently deem less worthy of free choice.

The thing is, none of the people who said these things to me would probably ever classify themselves as a feminist, leftists WACOs...because all of these comments have come from Christian women.

Our Pregnancy Announcement for Silas, our 3rd son

 One of the foundational elements of a Christian worldview declares this truth: Humans are made in the image of God.

And because of this truth, a Christian worldview declares life to be precious, worth saving, worth dying for, worth celebrating.

 While the comments directed at my 3rd and 4th children gave me a chuckle (and an inner "seriously?" moment), good anecdotes for facebook, and food for thought, these comments also made me mad. But more than feeling self-righteous anger,  I am deeply saddened that this attitude toward pregnancy and new life pervades our culture, even in the Church.

And even at times in me.

My 13-year-old judgmental attitude lasted well into my adulthood. I know that it has taken 3...no, even 4 pregnancies, including my miscarriage, to break the "pattern of this world" and begin to be "transformed" and "renewed" in my mind (Romans 12:2).

I've rolled my eyes when family and friends announced their 3th, 5th...8th pregnancies.
I've thought, "Good grief! Honeymoon baby? They didn't waste any time "getting busy" did they?
I've dismissed the grief of miscarriage as something that "would never happen to me" instead of extending real comfort to these women during a devastating time.

Until this year.

God has been transforming my mind to truly understand what it means to value life, family, pregnancy, and babies.

Every pregnancy is a miracle (Psalm 139:13-16).
Every baby is a gift from God (Psalm 127:3).
And every baby, no matter if it is the first, third, sixth, tenth, or more, should be accepted as a miracle and gift.

Without judgment, without eye-rolling, rude comments, or snide remarks. Just celebration.

Just "Congratulations."

I gave Super-Mom the boot this Halloween

I had these grand plans to sew my kids' Halloween costumes this year.

Benji wanted to be Turbo. Micah wanted to be Jake the Pirate. Cute, right?

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So, I spent some quality time brainstorming how I was going to make these adorable costumes. Jake was going to be pretty easy: boots! Red scarf! Felt vest! And we already had a sword. Check, check, and check! 

Turbo was the one that was giving my creative juices a big, fat squeeze. But I was prepared. I mentally fashioned this whole felt get-up that was stuffed with plastic bags. I was then going to make this headband thingy for the eyes. 

They would love their costumes and I would be super-mom. 

But...then some things happened. 

Like, 6 year old fickleness.  

And reality.

First, the boys CHANGED THEIR MINDS about what they want to be. (HOW DARE THEY? Don't they know how much TIME I have dedicated to THINKING about these costumes?!)

Micah said: I wanna be that green guy with muscles (The Hulk)

Benji said: I wanna be a PURPLE ANGRY BIRD!

I said, Ok. Why not?

So I ordered these bad boys from Amazon.com. 

The truth is, with teaching online and on campus, editing manuscripts, working on writing projects,  and taking care of my baby (oops, don't want to forget him!),  I really don't have time to make their costumes. :( 

That sucks. But it's reality. ::Sigh:: 

So, Super-mom got the boot. But I replaced her with mental sanity this Halloween. 

And I am really looking forward to taking "that green guy with muscles" and "PURPLE ANGRY BIRD" trick-or-treating next week.

Review of Four Nursing Bras

When I breastfed my twins over 5 years ago, I suffered through bad nursing bras. I just couldn't get a good fit and the bras were either uncomfortable and/or gave me no support and/or delivered the dreaded "uniboob." Despite nursing them for 17 months, I was never able to find a bra that I really liked in stores or online.

When I was pregnant with my youngest son (currently 8.5 months), I was determined to get nursing bras that I really liked.

This task has been harder than I thought it would be.

My hometown is woefully deficient in the nursing bra department, at least in the size, support, shape, and style I wanted.

Size: I needed a small band size but large cup size (apparently 34 DD is a "rare" size in nursing bras? Really?)
Support: great support without underwire
Shape: Padded cups are a must for me. And I'd also like to have two boobs, not one
Style: Pretty would be nice. I am a woman, not just a milk-machine.

I went from store to store in town trying on dozens of bras. Nothing worked.

So I went online. Bravado bras from bravadodesigns.com has great quality bras in several styles. I have tried 4 of them and here are my thoughts about the Body Silk, Bliss, Allure Underwire, and Essential Embrace nursing bras.

(disclaimer: I have not been paid by bravado for these reviews. I just hope this info will help another mama out. All images are from bravadodesigns.com)

Note: All Bravado bras have easy to use clips that can be opened with one hand. All of the cups fall away from the breast for skin-to-skin contact too. All of the bras come in several colors (white, nude, and black). Each bra reviewed is around $50 (kind of expensive but the price matches the quality).

Body Silk Seamless Nursing Bra

This is the first bra I tried from Bravado. It comes in LOTS of colors but I bought the nude (in fact, I bought the nude color for all my bras as it is the most convent for my wardrobe). I bought this bra when I was about 3-4 months into nursing and my milk supply was still regulating.

Pros: This bra is SO comfortable. It doesn't have padded cups but it does have a pockets in each cup for removable foam pads (or breast pads) that help give a nice shape and modesty coverage. Wearing this bra feels like you aren't wearing a bra at all. 

Cons: While the model looks awesome in this bra, I must admit that the bra did not give me much in the "lift and separate" department. Yep...uniboob. Sigh. Also, it is not a sexy bra. At all. However, it is SO comfortable that it makes up for the lack of sexy. And lift. And separate. Almost. I bought a large (this one comes in S, M, L, etc) but I think I would buy a medium if I were to buy again. 

Recommend? YES! Especially for those early months of breastfeeding. Great around the house bra, sleep bra, and, if you really don't care (I didn't!), around town bra. 

Bravado Bliss Nursing Bra

Well, my vanity was getting a little tired of saggy uniboob so I decided to branch out of the oh-so-comfortable Body Silk and try another type of bra: The Bliss. 

Pros: It has padded cups and no underwire. Plus it looked pretty in the picture. 

Cons: When it came in the mail, I did not like it at all. It looked like a 90 year old grandma bra. Plus it gave me cone boobs. UG! I don't know what is worse: uniboob or cone boobs. I read some reviews online that said that the cone boob look goes away after a few washings but after trying the bra on, it seemed to squish rather than lift and separate. Overall, it was a weird fit for me. 

Recommend? I sent this bra back. It may be a good fit for other women but I just couldn't get over the squished yet cone boob look. 

The Allure Underwire Nursing Bra 

 After I sent the Bliss back I fell into nursing bra despair. I felt like finding a nursing bra with my 4S criteria (see above) was impossible! After a few weeks of looking around town again (no luck), I ordered the Allure Underwire bra. 

Pros: This bra should play two songs when tried on: "I Feel Like A Woman" and "I Feel Pretty." Seriously, this bra looks amazing! Lift! Separate! Beautiful lace (that's not scratchy!)! Probably the best assessment came from my husband: "Wow! That does NOT look like a nursing bra." 

(Thanks, honey. I think). 

But this bra does look great and made me feel great too. Major confidence booster (in every way possible)!

Cons: While the underwire does offer amazing lift and shape, it is not 100% whisper-dream comfortable. When I got it I had not worn underwire for over a year (since my pregnancy) and it took a bit of getting used to. While I am more used to it now, I still "think" about the bra while I have it on. However, I kept it because it looks so darn good and I am vain. :)

Recommend? Yes, I would recommend it especially for women who are going back to work (as I will be when the school year starts) but with the note that it isn't 100% comfortable. However, for me, the looks make up for the lack of comfort. (yes...vanity...).

UPDATE (OCT 2013): After wearing this bra for a few months, I now love it. It has molded to my body and is really comfortable. I just had to get used to underwire again. I actually ordered another one so now I have two in this style.

A note about underwire: I waited until my breast feeding was fulling established before buying an underwire bra. Wearing underwire during the first few months of breastfeeding can cause blocked milk ducts and all kinds of uncomfortableness. 

The Essential Embrace Nursing Bra

So, while I liked the Allure, I still prefer non-underwire bras. Bravado just came out with the Essential Embrace so I decided to get it a try! It promised amazing support without underwire and great shape too (plus all the other nursing essentials all Bravado bras have. See Note). So I ordered it and I like it!

Pros: It does have great support without underwire (amazing!). If the Allure Underwire is a 10 in support (no sagging at all!), I would say that the Embrace would be an 8 (the Body Silk would be a 5 or 6). Not bad for a non-underwire bra! The cups are smooth and very soft too. 

Cons: I didn't realize this bra was didn't have padded cups until I got it. Bummer. I personally like/need padded cups for modesty-sake. But, I worked it out. Around the house it is great without cups and still gives a nice shape. Out of the house, I just tuck in the padded cups that I got with the Body Silk bra. Perfect coverage. 

Recommend? Yes, definitely. Overall, I really like the Embrace for comfort, shape, and support. It isn't  "sexy" per se, but it does look nice. If it had lightly padded cups, it would probably be perfect. 

So,  I have three nursing bras that I like. Right now I am switching between the Allure Underwire and the Embrace most days. While none of the bras have all of my 4S essentials, I am a definitely more happy with my nursing bras this time around that when I nursed five years ago. My recommendation to other nursing (or pregnant) moms would be to try lots of nursing bras and don't just settle for a bra that "kind of" works during this special time in your life. 

My New Years Resolution: Choosing Delight

It's almost June 1st. Do you remember your New Years Resolution?

I only made one, and it wasn't really even a resolution, per se. I chose a word, a word to help focus my mothering and my relationships with my children. Particularly, my relationships with my 5 year old twins.

My word is "Delight."

Around New Years, I was feeling pretty discouraged about my mothering abilities. Ok, not just discouraged: guilty. And it was the worst type of guilt--MOM guilt.

When we rang in the new year, Silas was around 2 months old and he was a precious bundle of pure goodness--sweet, soft, good smelling (most of the time), and snuggly.

Having one baby was pure joy. Delightful.

I finally realized why everyone asked me, "How do you do it?" when my twins were babies.

The answer, of course, was "I just do! I don't have a choice." And I didn't. I just did the best I could. I just put one foot in front of the other every day and just did it.

And I made it! Through twin babyhood and toddlerhood, and into preschool. I did it.

But having one baby made me realize something sobering. Having infant twins was really hard. So hard that there was only room for survival  and not much room for joy or delight on most days.

The thing is, things got easier as my twins got older. However, my outlook and attitude remained the same--this is hard.
Frustrating.
Overwhelming.
Difficult.

I didn't let myself take delight in them because I was so caught up in the petty annoyances and frustrations that come from having twins boys--and in reality, kids in general--demanding attention, crying and yelling, wrestling, overwhelming emotions, huge messes, 100 spilled drinks a day, wrestling, crashing toys and lamps, oh, and did I mention, wrestling?

Sadly and shamefully, I realized that my primary emotion I felt toward my twins each day was annoyance. And I wanted to change.

I thought: I'll plan dates with them. We'll do fun things. I won't yell so much. I will be more patient. I will do better. Be...better.

But deep down I knew that forcing myself change my behavior toward them wasn't the issue. '

I needed to change my heart. I needed to see them with new eyes.

So I prayed and asked God to help me choose a word for 2013, a word that would help refocus my mothering.

Ultimately, I chose the word "Delight."

The definition of "Delight" encompasses so many of the ways I want to view my sons:
I want to enjoy them
I want to find satisfaction in them
I want to notice the tiny things that make them tick and genuinely smile
I want to love them for who they are, not for who I want them to be.

So since January, I have been choosing delight.

Sometimes in moments of frustration, where a still small whisper reminds me, "Delight! Delight! Delight in your small, strong, rough and tumble boys."

Sometimes in moments of creativity:
Mommy, can I help you cook?
Mommy, listen to my joke!
Mommy, look what I can do!

And instead of
No.
Not right now.
Stop that!

I choose
Yes.
Laughter.
Wow!

At the beginning of the year I shared my word with a few close friends and last week, one of my dear friends told me, "I can see a change in you, in the way you talk about them. In the way you view mothering. You have more joy."

It was easy for me to find joy in Silas. It came more naturally because I wasn't inexperienced this time around, because I felt confident and peaceful instead of unsure and stressed out, because he was only one baby and not two.

But I needed to stop using "twins" as a synonym for "hard." I needed to renew my thinking.

Because sometimes motherhood isn't about moving forward--it is about going back to the beginning and starting over again.

So I started over again on January first.

I still remember my resolution. It has changed me for the better.
And I hope, for good.
Because sweet, silly, wild, loud, funny, strong, unique Micah and Benjamin, I delight in you. 

I choose delight. 

"May your ice water be free of goldfish floaters:" A blessing for Mother's Day

This Mother’s Day:

Photo by S. Carter Studios

May you always pee in peace

May your coffee be hot and your wine cold

May you enter and exit the shower without an audience

May your hair be free of grease and your under-eyes void of dark circles

May your skinny jeans zip

May the only muffins tops in your life be blueberry

May your baskets be free of laundry and your sink clear of dishes

May your ice water be free of goldfish floaters

May your freshly mopped floors magically repel spilled milk and kool-aid

May naptime be long

May your feet avoid all legos and Barbie shoes

May dinner time be filled with “Seconds, please!”

May you sleep as deeply as the father of your children

May your children tell you that you are the best mama in the world and may you believe it.

Because, mama, you are beautiful. You are loved. You are the best mom in the world. 

Photo by S. Carter Studios

Today and everyday.