I'm 100% Mom and 100% Wife--And it has to be that way

This past week, the internet exploded with two more articles in the "Mommy Wars," this time targeting women's roles in the modern American family.

This was the first article: "I'm 99% Mother and 1% Wife--And it has to be that way" in which the author, a tired mother, states why she will always put her kids above her husband (to the detriment of her marriage).

This response hit the web a few days later: "I'm 49% Mother and 51% Wife--And it has to be that way." This article was from a Christian woman who argued that in order for a family to be happy and healthy, a wife must make her husband a priority over her children, if only by 2%.

Here's my two cents:

If we are going to pursue happy, healthy, and godly relationships in our families, we need to be 100% mom and 100% wife.

Because...they are two different roles.

Being a good wife doesn't mean that I ignore my children for the sake of my husband.

Nor does being a good mom mean that I forget that I am married to a man I respect and love.

Photo by S. Carter Studios

They are two different roles, each requiring different time commitments and energy focuses.

Aaron and I talked about this issue in the car yesterday as we drove for 2.5 blissful hours--blissful because all 4 boys were strapped in their car seats and no one was crying or screaming for food (thank you, DVD player).

My husband is a math guy (it's true: he as two math degrees) and he "did the math" on the  mother/wife debate.

Aaron: Let's say you get 8 hours of sleep at night--
Me: bahahahahaha!
Aaron: I was being hypothetical. But let's just say...Then you have about 10 hours of "mothering" before I get home from work at 5. We have about 2-3 hours of co-parenting before the kids go to bed and maybe 2 hours before we both conk out for the night. 

Yeah...you're pretty much 100% mom. 

Me: Do you feel neglected as a husband? 
Aaron: Not at all. 

Of course, adding up the numbers to determine value and worth of my family roles is pretty silly.  Plus, by that criteria, the kids win and I am a sucky wife. But just because I spend more time and energy with the kids doesn't mean I don't "put my husband first."

Photo by S. Carter Studios

My relationship with Aaron is a huge priority to me, which is how I am interpreting "putting my husband first" (Otherwise, I really don't know what this phase means).

The 99/1 and the 51/49 relationship arguments pit motherhood and wifehood against each other, as if being a "good mother" means I can only toss 1% to my husband, or being a "good wife" means that I must  somehow carve out 51% of....something to my husband.

I believe this creates needless anxiety for many women: Oh no...am I prioritizing the kids before my husband? Am I more "mom" than "wife"?

It doesn't have to be either/or, 99/1, or even 49/51.

The roles of "wife" and "mother" don't need to be at war with each other.
We can be 100% mothers and 100% wives.  

Or maybe, instead of focusing on percentages and numbers, we should just focus on being the best moms and wives we can possibly be in our unique family situations.

 A few more thoughts:
~Other than the false 51/49 bifurcation, I agree with pretty much everything Ashleigh said in her article. Cultivating a strong marriage relationship is foundational for a strong family.

~I think the 99/1 mentality often results from a woman feeling like her husband is an overgrown "child" who is a burden to take care of. A healthy marriage is a partnership of equals, with mutual respect between spouses.

~Consider how silly this discussion sounds when the gender roles are reversed:
I'm 99% father and 1% husband--And it has to be that way (???)
or
I'm 51% husband and 49% father--And it has to be that way (???)

100% dad and 100% husband--And it has to be that way

Happy 3 months, Eli!

Three Months Today!

Elijah Jefferson Meng is THREE MONTHS OLD today! Happy 3 months, baby!

 

Here he is in all his 7lbs 10 oz glory. We've come a long way since December 23. 

 

The first month after he was born was very difficult. In fact, Aaron and I kept talking about how his first month reminded us of Micah and Benji's first month. In reality, the twins first month was nothing like their little brother's but the overwhelming, emotional difficulty felt the same. 

 

Eli had a tongue tie that went undiagnosed for a month. Looking back, it was so frustrating (to use a mild word) because I asked the lactation consultant in the hospital if he was tongue tied, 2 LCs that we saw in the first 2 weeks after his birth, and a pediatrician. They all said NO, he doesn't have a tongue tie. The thing was, he didn't have a traditional tongue tie, but a posterior tongue that was difficult to diagnose. 

But he had all the symptoms, the worst of which were excruciating, toe-curling pain while nursing (which ultimately led to cracked and bleeding nipples), terrible gas pains for Eli, screaming after every feed, wanting to nurse constantly, reflux, and screaming, screaming screaming. 

There was much crying for me and for my poor baby boy.  

 

Eli was the first baby we bought formula for. I was seriously considering giving up nursing. I felt like a failure every time we gave him a bottle. We supplemented every day for about 2-3 weeks.  Finally, after doing hours and hours of research, I pushed aside all those "No's" and demanded an appointment with an ENT. I KNEW he had a tongue tie. At four weeks, we had the appointment and guess what? He had a posterior tongue tie. 

Mama knows best.

Eli had his tongue clipped (more tears for him and me) on a Thursday and by Monday, nursing was 75% better. It continued to improve even more over the next month. 

No more screaming after nursing. No more massive spit-ups after every feed. No more pain for me. 

It got better

But that first month was ROUGH and LONG. 

But now we are at 3 months and time is flying by. 

Eli is a CHUNK: 15lbs. 

I can't believe it. After having twin preemie babies, I am constantly amazed that I have such a delightfully fat baby.

 

Eli loves his family, especially Aaron. He loves, loves, loves his Daddy! They "talk" together every night. Aaron has the magic touch that can get Eli to sleep almost every night.

Eli is very vocal and animated. He loves to smile, be tickled, and kissed on his delicious, fat cheeks!

He has an delightful little laugh.

All his brothers adore him. Silas and Eli are beginning to be best buddies. Silas is such a good big brother; he always tries to comfort "E-I" when his baby brother is crying. This morning, when Eli was crying (as I was trying to suck his nose out with that horrible torture device), I heard Silas saying, "E-I! E-I! It's ok!" over the baby monitor. Sweet, sweet brothers.

We love you precious baby! Happy 3 months little guy. We look forward to many more happy days with you in the future.

How to Start Planning a Weekly Dinner Menu

Dinnertime can be the worst, right? The kids are clawing at your leg, begging for goldfish, your husband is asking "what's for dinner?", and you are stressed out of your mind, wondering what you can throw together with half a box of spaghetti, a block of cream cheese, and some broccoli that is headed south. Pizza...? Wait, we did that last night...Sigh. 

I hate not having a plan for dinner so I try to make Menu Planning a regular part of my life. It doesn't completely reduce the "Witching Hour" woes, but I have discovered 6 ways that Menu Planning makes my life easier.

1. Menu planning makes dinnertime less stressful. At our house, the 1-2 hours before dinner are a low point in my day. Everyone is hungry and sleepy and I tend to get crabby (coffee, anyone?). Having a plan for dinner helps me have a happier evening with my family.

2. Menu planning reduces trips to the grocery store. I hate going to the grocery store every two days (or every day...) to pick up something that I forgot. It wastes so much time; plus shopping with kids? No thanks. By planning a weekly menu, I usually have everything on hand to make dinner (let's face it...I forget something on my list each week!).

3. Menu planning helps me save money. The weeks when I "wing it" at the store, I always spend too much money. Instead of buying groceries that I know we are out of, and mentally counting up dinners in my head (Monday: chicken, Tuesday: hamburger, Wednesday: pork chops...), when I grocery shop from my menu, it helps me stay on budget and avoid impulse spending or the inevitable daily trip to the store because I forgot something.

4. Menu planning helps me be healthier. I like to cook healthy meals for my family. When I menu plan, I am more likely to serve vegetables, fruits, and leans meats for dinner.

5. Menu planning reduces eating out. Oh, this is the downfall of me and my husband. "You wanna grab McDonalds while we're out?" "Sure." And the kids are happy because...happy meal, right? But while the kids may be happy, our budget isn't. When I know I have planned for pork loin, potatoes and green beans that evening, it is a lot easier to say no to the draw of the drive-through.

6. Menu planning helps me get creative in the kitchen. It is easy to get into a dinner rut, eating the same things over again over again. When I plan a weekly menu, I am more likely to try a new recipe, instead of relying on the ol' standbys. Pintrest is my best friend.

So, maybe you want to try your hand at weekly menu planning but don't know where to start.
Here are 6 simple steps to help you reap the benefits listed above!


Step One: Look at your week. Menu planning isn't just about food; it's about making your life easier. Soccer practice on Wednesday night? Crockpot meal.
Potluck at church on Sunday? Great! Cookies it is!
I like to plan simple meals, like sandwiches, on busy nights. In our family, we also plan to eat out every Friday night. Planning our restaurant eating allows us to indulge in the luxury of eating out without feeling guilty... and it gives me a break from cooking too. Win, Win.

I always menu plan on Sunday, but the key is to pick a day to plan and shop that helps you feel the most prepared to tackle the week ahead--maybe Saturday or Monday is the best day for you! 

Step Two: Look in your pantry. Or freezer. Take stock of what you already have on hand (tons of pasta? Spaghetti night this week!) before you plan your meals.

Step Three: What's on sale? Perusing ads, paper on online, is a major way to save money because you can plan your menu around what's on sale. For example, if chicken breasts are 99c a pound, I will plan 3 meals with chicken: Hellman's Chicken, Chicken Broccoli Alfredo, and Creamy Chicken Noodle Soup. I go to kroger.com each week before I shop.

Step Four: Click or Clip Coupons. This is another way you can save money. Since I am a frequent Kroger customer, the store often sends me coupons in the mail. I can also load coupons to my Kroger Card from their website. Using coupons to save money is up to you. Sometimes I use a lot of coupons, other times only a few. I want coupons to save me money as well as time so I am not one to scour the internet for obscure coupon deals. Make your coupons work for you!

Step Five: Plan Your Meals. This step often feels like the hardest one, especially if you are just starting to cook on a regular basis.  Here are some tips to help plan a successful menu:

Start small: If cooking for the whole week feels overwhelming, plan for 3-4 meals (and work up to 6 or 7!) and get pizza or take out on the other nights. The key is to have a PLAN!
Utilize cooking resources: Pintrest is a great resource. I also like allrecipes.com--it's like an online cookbook. For simple, easy meals that use convenient ingredients, try kraftrecipes.com. Or, dig into a paper cookbook, or ask your mom or grandma for family recipes!
Plan a theme night: Make Tuesday sandwich night each week or eat "Brinner" (breakfast for dinner) each Saturday. Themes can help you fill in the blank spots on your menu more easily.
Keep your families tastes in mind: Maybe your kids love pasta so plan a regular spaghetti dinner. (Then sneak some extra veggies into the jar of sauce). There is nothing better than hearing your kids say "Yes! This is my favorite dinner."(rather than, "YUCK! Why do you always make food I hate?")
Try something new: Maybe you've always wanted to learn how to make potstickers, or lasagna, or...whatever! Plan a new meal into your menu. Trying new recipes keeps cooking fun.

Step Six: Go Shopping. Once you plan your meals, make your grocery list and go shopping (don't forget to list items for breakfast, lunch, and snacks!). I like to go to Kroger on Sunday afternoons so I can shop sans kids.

Once your shopping is done, pat yourself on the back, breathe a sigh of relief, and put your weekly menu on the fridge. That way you can simply point when you hear that daily question, "What's for dinner?"

Share your favorite menu planning tips below!

Meng Menu: Two week plan!

Sunday: Hellman’s chicken, parm rice, green beans

Monday: BBQ pork sandwiches, roasted red potatoes, carrots and celery

Tuesday: Chicken pot pie

Wednesday: Chili, cornbread muffins

Thursday: Chili dogs, chips, carrot sticks

Friday: Out to eat

Saturday: Sloppy joes, ranch potatoes, green beans

Sunday: Biscuits and gravy, smoothies

Monday: Cheddar-ranch chicken, mashed potatoes, broccoli

Tuesday: Lasagna, salad

Wednesday: Asian chicken thighs, rice, peas

Thursday: Chicken, broccoli and rice casserole

Friday: Out to eat

Saturday: Lasanga, salad

I am FINALLY back into a two week shopping routine. The winter weather we have been having really threw off my schedule. Good budget week too: I spent $233 in total, or $115ish per week. Nice!

I frequently have people tell me how much they enjoy these menu post. Later this week, I am going to post some tips about getting started planning your own weekly menus, if you have ever wanted to start this habit in your own family! Stay posted.... :)

Meng Menu

Sunday: Ham, oven roasted red potatoes, peas
Monday: Pulled pork sandwiches (crock pot!), chips, apple slices
Tuesday: Flat Iron steak, mashed potatoes, spinach gratin
Wednesday: Chicken pot pie
Thursday: Pan chicken, rice/ gravy, green beans
Friday: Out to eat
Saturday: Pulled pork sandwiches, chips, carrot sticks w/ ranch

I've been winging it lately at the grocery store, mostly because I've been off my usual 2-week-Sunday-Shopping schedule because of all this darn snow we've been having. The bad thing about "winging it" is that becuase I don't plan meals before I go and carefully shop for TWO WEEKS worth of meals, I usually end up spending more money than I want to. Poo poo.

Oh well. Some weeks, or months, are just like that, especially when you get a boatload of snow.

Here's to a March that is free of snow and full of grocery savings!